I had a bit of a crisis over the weekend. A personal crisis of faith. You see I've been waiting and praying for an addition to our family for so long. I love my daughter so much, but if you don't feel your family is complete, it still hurts. And it hurts when your daughter is alone when you want her to have brothers and sisters around her. Some people when they're 9 months pregnant harp on about how they can't wait to meet this baby, this baby growing under their heart. Well, the my "pregnancy" has been a whole lot longer than 9 months and I so long to meet a baby, who hasn't been growing under my heart but
in my heart.
And then on Saturday, it all got a bit much. The waiting. The waiting for something you don't even know will happen. In exasperation I said to God, "fine. I can't hold onto hope when it hurts so much. I'm not going to pray anymore. I'm not going to hope anymore. I can't handle that anymore."
And it was in that really low point that God was finally able to teach me something important. I was finally humbled. Finally listening. He taught me on Sunday that trusting Him meant letting go of my plan for my life, my dreams, my desires, my hopes and letting Him bring about His plan for my life, His dreams, His desires, His hopes. When the Bible talks about fulfilling the plans for us, the good plans etc etc as we so often hear about, it's not talking about my plans (doh!!) but God's plans, and evidently His plans are rather different than mine.
It's odd writing this and looking at it in black on white. It's looks so clinical. So formulated. But believe me it was such a moment to finally learn what trusting in God actually means. To say, "ok, God. I'll throw my plans out, and we'll go back to the real game plan for my life. Your plan. Whatever it is. Help me to accept it. Change my desires so that they are Your desires for my life." That decision to trust, to close my eyes and free fall in His strong loving arms, was such a real, with-all-my-heart moment.
So on Monday, I was beginning to think, Ok, perhaps God's plan doesn't include anymore children. That is ok. It really is. Because ultimately, I want God's plan for my life.
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| beautiful mountains |
On Monday night I got a phone call from a counsellor passing on news from the social welfare that there is a baby up for adoption and we have been identified as prospective parents.
On Tuesday I rang the social worker.
On Wednesday I rang the guardian to talk about the adoption with him.
On Thursday I wondered how to prepare for a baby in a day.
On Friday, I am flying to Gizo to pick up our son.
Watch this space!
